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From Courtney's bare bum to Ann Widdecombe's 'balls' – Luke Marsden on the CBB final

Saturday 3rd February 2018

Thirty-two days later we’ve finally crowned a winner of ‘year of the woman’ – albeit it’s a man who has won, but he looks better in drag than most of the female contestants did in their posh clothes.

This series has been exhausting, from unrelenting discussions about gender and stereotypes to repeated conversations about gender.

As a whole this series has largely been untouched by the producers. When the ‘year of the woman’ theme was announced many (including myself) thought they’d litter the house full of Geordie Shore cast-offs and TOWIE bimbos – but instead we got a variety of women, some that weren’t and will never be celebs, but people that we’d never see on TV and probably won’t again.

I wasn’t surprised to see Wayne evicted fifth, a jovial character with a literal spring in his step most of time but ultimately forgettable. He tapped danced his way in and out of the house, his relationship with Amanda was fun to watch and I dare say I would series link a C5 documentary show ‘Amanda and Wayne go to the theatre’.

Fourth place for Jess is remarkable considering she seemingly lost her original voice and developed a voice of a baby girl, it’s like someone didn’t check quality control in a Barbie factory. Jess never faced eviction and never received a single nomination, which is lucky for her as the vote to save mechanic would’ve had her back on Page 3 weeks ago.

Jess admitted she’s previously had sex on TV yet wouldn’t swear in front of Amanda for fears of embarrassment. Perhaps Jess could come back and enter the summer series of the show as an actual housemate rather than a clone of someone else? 

Despite not understanding much of what he said in his eviction interview, Shane Lynch deserved to come third purely for his facial reactions whenever an argument kicked off. His temperament never faltered once while in there. He didn’t seem to soak up as much of the experience as others; he seemed to treat it like he was living in a museum that he was paid to visit. Either way it was probably a nice payday for him and he only had to sing a couple of times, basically a month like personal appearance in a Borehamwood detached house. 

This series simply wouldn’t have been anything without the tornado that is Ann Widdecombe. Even in her eviction interview she displayed a masterclass in why shows like Celebrity Big Brother should run forever. Where else will we ever see Ann critiquing Emma Willis’ interview skills?

Ann had more balls than the entire male housemates combined, she never once caved on her opinion or tried to force it on others. Maybe C5 should stick a few cameras up in Ann’s house and we can just watch her eating biscuits in bed and drinking a glass of wine! 

Courtney Act entered the house with her dress around her ankles and that should’ve been a sign of things to come: bold, brash and unafraid to have her voice heard.

Shane J on the other hand talked to the housemates like he was giving some sort of LGBT seminar on a daily basis. His relationship with Andrew was the worst game of cat and mouse that I’ve ever seen. Nonetheless Shane J didn’t back down from a verbal battle and managed to teach the girls a makeup tip or two.

He’s certainly CBB's best dress-wearing male winner since Alex Reid. His victory should be seen as a celebrate of everything that’s great about Celeb Big Brother: you can literally come in wearing nothing and walk out with fireworks and a bunch of bitter people surrounding you congratulating you on a victory that they wish they’d got.

God bless non-binary Big Brother!

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